It’s film review time again!
Yaaay! Or not so “yay” because John Wick was so dull, I’m not even sure it can
be reviewed in an entertaining way.
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| Image source: imdb.com |
John Wick movie poster. Ooooh…
This film is noteworthy for…
...revealing how desensitised to violence I've become.
...having the least plot of any film I have ever seen.
...comic-esque subtitles that vanish too quickly if you are reading them in your second language.
SPOILER WARNING! SPOILERS
ARE COMING YOUR WAY. YEAH, THEY’RE COMING YOUR WAY.
What happens...
The plot is as follows: John Wick,
played by Keanu Reeves, is the world’s most super awesomest-est hitman ever or
some shit who retires so he can get married. But his wife dies almost
instantly. LOL!
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| Image source: thestockmasters.com |
He chose... poorly.
In a sick act of emotional cruelty,
his wife posthumously gifts him a puppy to help him get over her death, learn
to love again and move on with his life…WITHIN TWO DAYS OF HER DEATH! Because
what you really need at the start of the grieving period is the responsibility
of caring for a high-maintenance animal. If I wanted to screw someone over from
the grave, this is exactly how I would do it.
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| Image source: weinterrupt.com |
What do you mean you didn’t order
20 pizzas? Oh dead mom, you got me again! What japes from the grave!
But wait, it’s ok because the
puppy is ADORABLE. Oh, look at it taking a shit. SO cute. Let’s bring the poo
into sharp focus, just in case the audience didn’t guess that from the context.
See – it’s poo! The best thing about the puppy is that it isn’t just adorable,
it is SO adorable that you don’t need any plot or character development to
drive the film. I hope the puppy doesn’t get smushed by “Russian” mobsters!
Because that would make me so maaaaad….ddddddd….
Within 24 hours of receiving the
adorable puppy, pseudo-Russian mobsters from Game of Thrones arrive to smush
the puppy. They also bonk Keanu on the head and steal his car which has no
tread on the tyres because of the way he drives. But we know he is good because
he doesn’t play loud music when he drives, unlike all the mobsters. Who are
bad.
But oh no – remember? John Wick
is actually the super-scary worlds number one unstoppable-est ever psychopathic
hitman! And so Keanu embarks on the plot of Taken, minus the threat of a
daughter in peril, a vengeful killing spree, during which he KILLS DOZENS UPON
DOZENS OF HUMAN BEINGS who weren’t actually involved in the robbery/dog
smushing. As far as we or Keanu are aware, many of them are completely innocent,
legally employed security guards, with no knowledge of their employers’
corruptness. And certainly none of them were involved in the car thieving
incident. It’s like when a teacher punishes the whole class because two or
three people were misbehaving. John Wick is one of those teachers, may they burn in hell. I know henchman-death in
action films is nothing new, but John Wicks’ response is so disproportionate to
the crime, that I wasn’t entirely sure whether we are supposed to be on his
side or not.
John Wick continues on his killing rampage until he wins. And gets a new dog. The end. Seriously, nothing else happens. There are no plot or character developments. No twists. Nothing. Ugh, this is such an awful film to write about because nothing interesting happens – it is painful. There is nothing to discuss. It’s like trying to write a review about sitting on a rock.
The last fight of all, in which the main “bad” guy (other than John Wick) and the not very nice guy (John Wick) fight to the death, “bad” guy Michael Nyqvist (whose son and entire staff are murdered by John Wick) says “Oooh – lets not use any guns”. That line made me die inside a little, knowing it was going to be dragged out for even more minutes. Then John Wick wanders into a kennel or something to use the medical supplies, and steals a dog to replace the one that got smushed. But not just any dog – a dog that was probably waiting to be destroyed because it ripped off someone’s face. Or alternatively the dog was reserved for a little girl and her birthday was the next day and she was so excited and she had already named the dog Mr Flop and now John Wick has stolen it from her.
And so we have John Wick, a film about a hypocrite who takes whatever he wants, but then foams over with diarrhea when something doesn’t go HIS way. Dick.
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| Image source: polkcountyanimalhospital.com |
Puppies!
Visually, John Wick has a
clinical, minimalist style, which should be stylish according to Ikea, but for
me just dredged the film of any emotional impact. The Equilibrium/Hannah/other
stuff-inspired fight sequences look like they should be impressive, but are
flat and unexciting. They don’t do anything new, just draw on things that were
impressive the first time you saw them, and cleans them up a bit. Plus, John
Wick is so over-powered that he clearly is in no jeopardy, and will survive
until at least the final showdown. The film is set up this way from the start,
and with no twists whatsoever, you could cut at least an hour from the film and
not have missed anything at all.
God, I want to stop writing this.
Is there anything else worth saying? Hmmm... There is a vein of absurdist humour
throughout, having characters respond to situations in the opposite
way from what you would typically expect in an action film, or juxtaposing
violence and carnage with the calm and mundane, for example when the hotel
lobby calls to complain about the noise following a hotel room shoot-out and hand-to-hand
fight. This humour also helps to give the feeling of a distinct assassin’s
world that exists outside our own (assuming you’re not an assassin). In fact, the
most interesting parts of the film are centred around a super exclusive hotel
that caters for hitmen, which draws on this atmosphere and give a glimpse of a
world which it would be interesting to learn more about. However, the films sets
this up, then does disappointingly little with it.
That really sums up John Wick. It’s
a film that plays with the conventions of the action film genre by flipping
them on their head, but the film itself is just not interesting enough to make
you care. By the end of the film I was bored and had a headache. I think the
run time is about 90 minutes and even THAT felt too long. One of my friends was
surprised we left the cinema two hours after we entered, thinking we had been
there for an hour longer.
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| Image source: www.nerdist.com |
STOP BEING
NOTHING!!!
How much vomit?
John Wick gets a 68% on the
projectile vometer. I was so bored that I couldn’t even vomit, but instead fell
into a coma-like stupor and I swallowed my own tongue which triggered my gag
reflex and then I vomited but because I was asleep and I choked on the vomit and
died. Which no one noticed.
What should you watch instead?
Hanna. Watch Hanna. Watch it. It
has an interesting, ridiculous story and interesting, ridiculous characters.
The action sequences hit and sometimes miss, but they try to be original and
the whole thing is lot of fun. Kate Blanchett should never be cast as a villain,
but so what? It even has absurd humour. Hannah is everything John Wick wants to
be. Yes. Secretly, John Wick wants to be a small, albino girl. In fact, I think
it was her dog that he stole. Dick.
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| Image source: imdb.com |
