Spoiler Heavy Film Reviews - John Wick

It’s film review time again! Yaaay! Or not so “yay” because John Wick was so dull, I’m not even sure it can be reviewed in an entertaining way.

Image source: imdb.com

John Wick movie poster. Ooooh…

This film is noteworthy for…

...revealing how desensitised to violence I've become.

...having the least plot of any film I have ever seen.

...comic-esque subtitles that vanish too quickly if you are reading them in your second language.

SPOILER WARNING! SPOILERS ARE COMING YOUR WAY. YEAH, THEY’RE COMING YOUR WAY.

What happens...

The plot is as follows: John Wick, played by Keanu Reeves, is the world’s most super awesomest-est hitman ever or some shit who retires so he can get married. But his wife dies almost instantly. LOL!

Image source: thestockmasters.com

He chose... poorly.

In a sick act of emotional cruelty, his wife posthumously gifts him a puppy to help him get over her death, learn to love again and move on with his life…WITHIN TWO DAYS OF HER DEATH! Because what you really need at the start of the grieving period is the responsibility of caring for a high-maintenance animal. If I wanted to screw someone over from the grave, this is exactly how I would do it.

Image source: weinterrupt.com

What do you mean you didn’t order 20 pizzas? Oh dead mom, you got me again! What japes from the grave!

But wait, it’s ok because the puppy is ADORABLE. Oh, look at it taking a shit. SO cute. Let’s bring the poo into sharp focus, just in case the audience didn’t guess that from the context. See – it’s poo! The best thing about the puppy is that it isn’t just adorable, it is SO adorable that you don’t need any plot or character development to drive the film. I hope the puppy doesn’t get smushed by “Russian” mobsters! Because that would make me so maaaaad….ddddddd….

Within 24 hours of receiving the adorable puppy, pseudo-Russian mobsters from Game of Thrones arrive to smush the puppy. They also bonk Keanu on the head and steal his car which has no tread on the tyres because of the way he drives. But we know he is good because he doesn’t play loud music when he drives, unlike all the mobsters. Who are bad.

But oh no – remember? John Wick is actually the super-scary worlds number one unstoppable-est ever psychopathic hitman! And so Keanu embarks on the plot of Taken, minus the threat of a daughter in peril, a vengeful killing spree, during which he KILLS DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF HUMAN BEINGS who weren’t actually involved in the robbery/dog smushing. As far as we or Keanu are aware, many of them are completely innocent, legally employed security guards, with no knowledge of their employers’ corruptness. And certainly none of them were involved in the car thieving incident. It’s like when a teacher punishes the whole class because two or three people were misbehaving. John Wick is one of those teachers, may they burn in hell. I know henchman-death in action films is nothing new, but John Wicks’ response is so disproportionate to the crime, that I wasn’t entirely sure whether we are supposed to be on his side or not.

John Wick continues on his killing rampage until he wins. And gets a new dog. The end. Seriously, nothing else happens. There are no plot or character developments. No twists. Nothing. Ugh, this is such an awful film to write about because nothing interesting happens – it is painful. There is nothing to discuss. It’s like trying to write a review about sitting on a rock.

The last fight of all, in which the main “bad” guy (other than John Wick) and the not very nice guy (John Wick) fight to the death, “bad” guy Michael Nyqvist  (whose son and entire staff are murdered by John Wick) says “Oooh – lets not use any guns”. That line made me die inside a little, knowing it was going to be dragged out for even more minutes. Then John Wick wanders into a kennel or something to use the medical supplies, and steals a dog to replace the one that got smushed. But not just any dog – a dog that was probably waiting to be destroyed because it ripped off someone’s face. Or alternatively the dog was reserved for a little girl and her birthday was the next day and she was so excited and she had already named the dog Mr Flop and now John Wick has stolen it from her.

And so we have John Wick, a film about a hypocrite who takes whatever he wants, but then foams over with diarrhea when something doesn’t go HIS way. Dick.

Image source: polkcountyanimalhospital.com

Puppies!

Visually, John Wick has a clinical, minimalist style, which should be stylish according to Ikea, but for me just dredged the film of any emotional impact. The Equilibrium/Hannah/other stuff-inspired fight sequences look like they should be impressive, but are flat and unexciting. They don’t do anything new, just draw on things that were impressive the first time you saw them, and cleans them up a bit. Plus, John Wick is so over-powered that he clearly is in no jeopardy, and will survive until at least the final showdown. The film is set up this way from the start, and with no twists whatsoever, you could cut at least an hour from the film and not have missed anything at all.

God, I want to stop writing this. Is there anything else worth saying? Hmmm... There is a vein of absurdist humour throughout, having characters respond to situations in the opposite way from what you would typically expect in an action film, or juxtaposing violence and carnage with the calm and mundane, for example when the hotel lobby calls to complain about the noise following a hotel room shoot-out and hand-to-hand fight. This humour also helps to give the feeling of a distinct assassin’s world that exists outside our own (assuming you’re not an assassin). In fact, the most interesting parts of the film are centred around a super exclusive hotel that caters for hitmen, which draws on this atmosphere and give a glimpse of a world which it would be interesting to learn more about. However, the films sets this up, then does disappointingly little with it.

That really sums up John Wick. It’s a film that plays with the conventions of the action film genre by flipping them on their head, but the film itself is just not interesting enough to make you care. By the end of the film I was bored and had a headache. I think the run time is about 90 minutes and even THAT felt too long. One of my friends was surprised we left the cinema two hours after we entered, thinking we had been there for an hour longer.

Image source: www.nerdist.com

STOP BEING NOTHING!!!

How much vomit?

John Wick gets a 68% on the projectile vometer. I was so bored that I couldn’t even vomit, but instead fell into a coma-like stupor and I swallowed my own tongue which triggered my gag reflex and then I vomited but because I was asleep and I choked on the vomit and died. Which no one noticed.

*I'm currently working on a vometer graphic. I'll add it once it is done.

What should you watch instead?

Hanna. Watch Hanna. Watch it. It has an interesting, ridiculous story and interesting, ridiculous characters. The action sequences hit and sometimes miss, but they try to be original and the whole thing is lot of fun. Kate Blanchett should never be cast as a villain, but so what? It even has absurd humour. Hannah is everything John Wick wants to be. Yes. Secretly, John Wick wants to be a small, albino girl. In fact, I think it was her dog that he stole. Dick.

Image source: imdb.com

Spoiler Heavy Film Reviews – The Maze Runner

Yay, it's film review time. I’m going to review the films I see here. I say review, most will probably be critical rants and will be spoiler heavy. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

For this, I’ve created a rating system called the “Projectile-Vometer”. It is a rating system based on how close the film brought me to vomiting everywhere, violently and profusely.

A low score is good – maybe there is a little bit of throwing up in your mouth, but only because of the giddy excitement that overwhelms one when baring witnessing to divine wonder. A high score means the film induced awful, awful projectile vomiting, maybe lasting for days, and possibly explosive diarrhoea (e.g. Avatar).

Review time

Today I was invited to go and see “Labyrinth” at the cinema. I was filled with glee! “Yay!” thought I. “Jennifer Connelly, puppets, David Bowie running around upside-down on Escher stairs, the Bag Lady…” But alas, it was “Le Labyrinthe” – or “The Maze Runner” to give it its English title.

Source: screenrant.com

A quick look online and the plot synopsis did not bode well. It’s based on a series of young-adult targeted books (sigh). Keywords “Teenagers” and “post-apocalyptic” induced some pre-film gastric distress, and I was tempted to stay in and watch “Battle Royale” instead. But I decided to be social and arrived at the cinema armed with Settler’s Tums and Accupressure Wrist Bands for Nausea to see me through.

Plot summary...

Each month, a teenage (30 year old?) boy (except for one lucky girl) awakens in the middle of a grassy field, “The Glade”, having had their memory almost completely erased. The Glade is located in the middle of a giant, excessively walled labyrinth that can rearrange itself. Also some supplies are sent up with the teenager. It’s Lord of the Flies meets… Labyrinth? But, <<SPOILER WARNING>> there are no puppets or Jennifer Connelly.

This film is noteworthy for…

...containing the most excessively forceful injection ever administered
...the title maze (le labyrinthe) being almost completely superfluous to the events of the story
...weird brainwashing scene product placement for musical theatre: 

"Wicked is good... Wicked is good...".

WARNING –SPOILER HEAVY! SPOILERS AT EVERY MOMENT! I WILL SPOIL THIS FILM FOR YOU!

What happens...

We enter the film as the protagonist, Thomas, wakes up in the field, and is heckled by all the other Glade-folks, so that he freaks out completely, rather than being calmly introduced to his plight. In fact the whole beginning of the film suffers from this approach, and it annoyed me very much. Basically the first 30% of the film could be avoided if someone would just explain everything to Thomas. I mean, I’ve pretty much summed up the key information in two sentences in my plot summary. But Thomas is dripped-fed disjointed pieces of basic and vital information. His questions are ignored, or answered with needlessly terrified, starey silences and cut-aways. “How did any of you know how to farm goats or grow corn when your memories have been erased” or “Where am I?” being just two such questions. If the idea is to not-freak-him-out then it’s a bit late, given the way they handle someone waking up from drug-induced amnesia.

Thomas is warned not to go into the labyrinth (no one even explains it is a labyrinth – as far as Thomas knows it’s just a big wall), and then is violently tackled to the ground when he does what any sensible person would do, i.e. ignore the fuck out of that shit and try to leave via the giant gap in the giant wall ASAP. Then everyone is angry at him. Injustice!!! At this point, vomit was bubbling up in my throat despite the wrist bands, but I forced it down. “Surely NOW someone will explain something to him and all will be well”, thought I naively.

And so they begin –

“It’s a scary maze that rearranges itself every night, but later on in the film I will ignore this fact and reveal an accurate, 3D map I constructed out of sticks” says one guy who clearly uses all the hair-gel that arrives with the supplies each month. What hardship!

“If you stay in the maze at night you will die, because “Grievers”, giant semi-robotic spiders or something, will hunt you and kill you. Except I’m not sure how we know any of that, because I’m also about to explain that no one has ever seen a Griever and lived to tell about it, and all we know is that no one who stays in at night ever comes back. Because of the Grievers. That no one has ever seen. Or lived to tell about. Yeah.”

“I’m a pudgy, innocent child character”, exclaims a pudgy, innocent child character, “I hope I don’t die! Bond with me!”.

“I’m in Game of Thrones” says another.

“Also, sometimes we get turned into sort-of-zombies” says a sort-of-zombie guy. “Blargle-argle”.

And so the film ticks along for a while, never managing to be thrilling, but also not to bore. Most of the characters are likeable, even the “bad” ones. Game of Thrones guy is landed with delivering some terrible dialogue, but manages to get us through it quickly. A token girl arrives, but thank God they manage to keep the film pathetic-teen romance free. Although in this film she also contributes very little.

There is a lot of going into the maze which is better than not-much-going-into-the-maze. Grievers give chase inefficiently, having been programmed mainly to kill only extras, but waste time roaring in the face of central characters. There is a lot of maze running – and the maze is interesting but with no real sense of mystery or jeopardy. It needs a good Bog of Eternal Stench. Or that guy with eyes in his hands.

Source: Pan's Labyrinth. Image from images2.fanpop.com

With regards to the running, “The Best Runners” are chosen to enter the maze. But they all head off at a dramatic sprint, rather than a realistic, sustainable distance-running pace. And no one sweats. Also a panoramic shot of the maze is probably supposed to make it look impressively large, but in fact there is probably only a good 30-40 minutes of running involved in getting from the middle to the sides. No time is taken to portray the labyrinth as a mysterious, threatening place, the journey through which is arduous. In fact, when a large group enter the maze, frequent journey-montage cutting allows the little fat kid to keep up with all the athletic 30 year-olds with ease. Hunger Games had the same problem by undermining its central premise – i.e. everyone was supposed to die mainly from the arduous conditions, but in fact the climate was warm and they all had ample food and water at all times. Here, the labyrinth might as well be a big open room.

There is an infuriating giant spider attack scene in the middle. Moments are well shot – one shot in particular reminded me of Limbo, which was a nice touch.

A beautiful scene that is not in the film. Source: www.platformnation.com

Other moments are careless, such as when a group of people hide from the giant spiders whilst carrying lit torches. A moment that I found to be genuinely horrible due to a well-delivered scream is instantly ruined by a sarcastic one-liner. Where (non-special edition) Battle Royale excels beyond any other film in this genre is the fact that it allows the kids to be kids – they are frightened and scream and cry for their parents when they are about to die/are dying horribly. Their reactions are believable, and each death is poignant despite the large number of characters. Here, as for Hunger Games, everyone is always stoic and defiant, ready to die heroically for the cause they believe in at any given moment. Thus, the characters are rather flat and no death matters.

Then comes the end. The end is stupid. It was obvious from the start that this was all part of some giant rat-maze test, but given the reason for the test, the set-up of the maze makes no sense whatsoever. It’s like they just throw together every possible apocalyptic scenario ever as a justification. “There was an apocalyptic solar event… uh… virus… zombies… thing. We needed a vaccine and presumably sun block… something about immunity… so we built a giant robot spider maze and put you in it and then, later, had the giant spiders leave the maze to kill you so that we could test why you have immune brain. Presumably because all the books on immunology where destroyed during the sun explodey virus zombie thing?

Ok, so clearly some other stuff is going on to be revealed in future films, but even as a half-way explanation, this is nonsensical. I don’t know if it is as bad in the book, but here the exposition is just confusing and strange. Also, a final key moment in the film requires that one of the teen-adults who originally chooses to stay behind rather than leave, then changes his mind, passes an army of giant spiders whilst obtaining a functioning electronic key from one such spider, then deciphers a complicated pass-code that only one character in the film (not him) could potentially have solved (and stated was a guarded secret) in order to get through the labyrinth and catch up with everyone. Say whaaaaat?

Another thing that annoyed me was the blatant Central Character Conceit, or CCC as no one ever calls it. The moment Thomas arrives, everyone and everything is centred around him. When he isn’t on screen, all the other characters are asking “Where’s Thomas?” When under attack, they scream for Thomas, the person they just met, rather than any of the other people they have built a community with over a period of years. “Help me Thomas! Help me” they cry.

How much vomit? 

So rating time!!! I’m going to give this film a 47% on the projectile vometer. 

Image source: boatingtimesli.com

 47% vomit 

Some sick came up in my throat and made me choke a little. A few chunks went into my mouth, but I was able to swallow them. Maybe it was the Accupressure wrist bands or the fact I hadn’t eaten in a while – but the roughly two hours passed efficiently and vomit free. I don’t care whether or not I see the sequel and I won’t make any special effort to see this again. On the other hand, I was entertained enough to be really annoyed by someone using their stupid giant brighter-than-the-sun phone in the middle of the cinema.


I should also add that as a result of watching this film, I now have a strong desire to watch Labyrinth again. I've been singing songs from Labyrinth all day at work. So it's only fitting that I end this review with a link to the best dream sequence ever made. Also did you know that the choreography for Labyrinth was done by Gates McFadden i.e. Dr. Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation? Is there anything she can't do? Thank you for this Gates McFadden. Thank you.

The masquerade ball scene from Labyrinth.

First post - the pilot, in which I meet the Mayor of France

Hmmm... so I decided to write a blog. This may or may not be a good idea. I realised that a disturbingly large proportion of my day is filled with internal monologues, and maybe it will be more productive or useful in some way by writing instead. I hate the word "blog". 

Why so many internal monologues? I moved to France with what can only be described as partial language skills. After a few years and fewer lessons, I can cope fairly well with daily life, although I am terrified of phone calls. But daily life chat is not the same as having deep, or even not-deep but just normal, throw-away conversation. I also refuse to limit my friend-sphere to other English-speaking ex-pats. Why move to another country and then exist in some sort of weird international social-limbo. So I generally go out of my way to avoid deliberate meeting/socialising with english speakers when the meeting criteria is "they speak english". Thus forcing me into a weird social-limbo...

Being pseudo-integrated into French life can lead to a unique outsider-perspective of what constitutes "normal", or maybe more frequently, stumbling into some sort of misadventure. So in that sense this will form sort of an "ex-pat log". A xplog. I also run a lot, so that will come up frequently since many bizarre occurrences...occur... whilst I'm doing that. In fact, to improve my french and mix learning with pleasure, I joined a local running club. And so the members now unwittingly constitute my major source of pals.  As far the the xplog is concerned, I guess I will inadvertantly review races.

I'll also review the occasional film I see, since we seem to have entered the brown era of cinema, where films are often a) lazy b) nonsense and c) boring, and are as entertaining as watching actors throw faeces at each other for 120 minutes (this may be the actual plot of the regurgitated Planet of the Apes remakes). Anyway, good, or at least interesting films deserve to be highlighted, and bad films need to be systematically destroyed. Also it's fun to talk about films.

Ok, so now the toughest part. Post number one, the pilot post. Well this week I met the Mayor of France. Well it wasn't the mayor of France per se. It was the mayor the the 6th in Paris. And technically I didn't meet him, but I was in the room and he spoke in my direction. Last week I took part in the 10km Course du Luxembourg with a team from my work. They also have a 6 km and 1 km race. It was on the same day as the 16 km Paris-Versailles race, so I thought perhaps Luxembourg would be quieter, but there were still, I think, around 2000 people who turned up for the 3 races. It was fun to meet some new people from work, outside of a work environment, and the course was well organised. It's a bit of a strange one, since it is essentially four loops on the road around the outside of the park. Some people will not like this because it is repetitive and you are constantly turning in a single direction. I imagine that people new to running, and finding the 10 km distance a challenge, might find it a bit demoralising. On the other hand, for the more experienced, after one lap you can gauge your speed and effort easily even if you don't normally run there. It is also a nice area and the course is fast. One thing to note is that the faster runners begin to lap the slower runners pretty quickly. I didn't really feel that this held me back (I got a new PB), although there was zig-zagging involved, and the winner managed to crack out a time under 30 minutes. Also, due to the loop nature, this course has the highest ratio of race photographers to km that I have ever seen. So if you like being photographed whilst undergoing horrible, unflattering physical exertions, then this is the race for you. In most (all) of the photos I look like this guy from Starship Troopers getting his brain sucked out.

Spoiler warning - he died.

I shall bemoan my conflicting issues with certain aspects of mass participation running events in a future post.

Anyway, the organisers kindly offered to make a donation to my workplace. So the following week, I found myself arriving with a work colleague at the Mairie de 6'eme for the award ceremony and to receive a cheque. I assumed they gave out the medals after the race, but this one holds a ceremony the following week in the nice Mairie building which I had not been in before. The course organiser did a nice job of quickly thanking all the volunteers and passing out the trophies of which there were many. Unfortunately the acoustics in the room were too bad for me to follow (and I struggle at the best of times) but I think the top three in every age category for every race got a prize. A lot of people didn't turn up which was a shame. Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask everyone receiving a prize to sign a sheet or something so they can skip the no-shows. We received the cheque within the first 20 minutes and we also were given a trophy which was nice. Unfortunately I had spent most of that day alone and wasn't in french-mode, and it was a completely new context so I had no relevant vocabulary. Although I often need to ask people to repeat themselves, it's been a while since I had no idea whatsoever what someone was talking about. So when the organiser was talking to us, I defaulted to "grin like a deranged maniac until his mouth stops moving" face, and the organiser increasingly adopted a similarly stressed "please say or do something, weird grinning guy" expression. Anyway, awkward moment over and it was very nice of them to donate a cheque and trophy for our fundraising.

Hmmm well there is not much more story after that. But the first one is done. I have no idea if that was even interesting for other people. But then no one is making you read it. Perhaps I should provide links to better pages in future, at the start of each post. I also have no idea what this is going to even look like so I shall stop and attempt to post it.

I assume you can say things at the bottom should you feel the need.